Gin

You linger on like a breath full of smoke from a half lit cigarette
And I have realized you don't do anything for me at all
I want to kick you like heroin's cold sweats
And sure., I must not walk before I crawl

Dry the rain up that casts an evil spell
I feel you like a ghoul upon my pale skin
And just because I have met the Devil...does this mean I am going to hell?
Perhaps all of the pain would subside if I just took a swig of gin

Why can't my questions be answered
You're no longer the individual I use to know
You have devastated me like a cancer
And no longer am I the girl you once terrorized and threw

Pale Eyes of Blue

I have to buck up, like a tyrant, a maid in a one man show
I pass the river we once visited and think of you
I'm now just look pallid, I've lost my glow
All the while, the gnarled trees encapsulate me; defame me as they eschew

I place a mirror in front of me and just weep
I am not the same person I use to be
As much as I have tried, I'm not the same prized possession you may keep
So grab your army, and take your fleet

Wash me away, and eradicate my name
I know all I have done is brought upon you shame
Oh my, what have I done... You cry to the Heavens while in a volume of exclaim
While I cause your heart to injuriously inflame

Burst like the brilliant stars upon the blanket of darkness the sky creates
Nightly gazes upon the moon, and I wonder if your looking too
Translate my inevitable fate....As I wait
While I feel so sad gazing upon your pale eyes of blue

My Facade

A facade; something I use to hide myself from you
I dangle my bangs in my eyes, thinking you will thus lack any recollection of me
But now older, and perhaps a tad wiser; I have become self aware enough to comprehend I am truly translucent...see through
You want me to expose my face, but understand it's a comfort thing...Thus, lets agree to disagree

Why do I pine for metaphoric shade?
Attention seeking behavior makes me regurgitate
Is it merely because I am just afraid?
Perhaps I can slowly adapt to the idea of exposure; and just percolate

I don't know of another soul who pines to be a wall flower
I ask you to look at me, but please don't speak
I feel as though I am 3 feet tall; you tower as I cower
Perhaps, one of the many underlying factors is, simply I fear your personal critique

Burn

Everything I know I set fire to
The ashes of my mess have become remnants of my pain
The memory of you burns right through me; and I know you will use that to misconstrue
Thus, I tend to smoke away anything that appears sane

My anxiety exists below the skin
And all I want is to burn the anxiety away
Thus, to sear my skin would relinquish all of this pain away...much to your chagrin
Nevertheless, a pattern in my life exists: all I love eventually burns away, I hate to say

So collect the ashes of my ruined life
And where I believed our relationship was safe; I was wrong...it just burned
Therefore, I let my cigarette merely burn away, and I contemplate all of life's strife
All the while, my love for you continues to burn; and although your concerned....I don't think you'll ever return

The Girl you Once Knew

I open the door and a gust of wind ambushes my face
I want to know, do I stay or go?
I see your weeping eyes filled with disgrace
And I ponder if you take me and then outgrow

Just the thought of you made me secretly smile
And I have come to accept and understand why you've attempted to disappear from me
I want to prove to you I may be scathed, but I am worthwhile
And I plead to you; do not judge me because I have emotions like the wayward sea

At times I feel as though your not honest
You walk on egg shells to prevent hurt
You have this preconceived notion that my life is full of darkness
Yet, the truth is I'm still the girl you once knew....So I ask that you don't avert

I Hate my Fragility

I feel the warm blanket of comfort drape upon me
Despite being emotionally stunted; I know I pine for you
I want to put my head on your shoulder and nestle
Can't you put down the magnify glass; and perhaps see this thing through?

I know I terrorize your dreams with my frail gestures
I have difficulties touching you because your too close
But know there are some elements of my soul that consist of some good textures
And now I divulged too much; I have taken my heart and exposed

I detest the fact that you find me intensely fragile
All the while you play with my heart's door; at times I find it wide open, and then it abruptly is closed
Unfortunately, my baggage is cumbersome, and not the least bit agile
But, despite all the odds its you I want to undisclosed

Bedouin

The Bedouin understand the concept of life
....To travel from various place to place
Failing to be entangled in monotonous strife
Thus, no familiar faces must they embrace

You could pack up and leave a bad dream
....This seems idylic to me
No longer having to live to merely battle life's balance beam
Just to be free, wander and sightsee

Your twenties are just an aperitif of this destructive life
A simple because I have studied an oeuvre of artists, just makes me pale in comparison
At times I picture myself in the Africa mingling amongst the dubious wildlife
So world... hear me!!!!! There's no need to be arrogant

Thus, the point, I am a suffering soul
Yet, facing some upward movement
Next item on the bucket list; make a metaphoric field goal
So Hey their popule!!!.....I am simply human., not useless!

Protestant Thighs

I cannot tell if you hate the fact that I am not slick
Or whether or not you like my Protestant thighs
Intrinsically, I believe I am the one you would pick
I want you to be there for me as I alter this demise

Heal my wounded heart
Will I ever help you get a brand new start?
Or you choose, to tear us apart
So prep yourself for a kick start

So what I am not immune to..... imperfection
I no longer detest my being, I suppose its norm
Nevertheless, I hope we do not loose affection
What else can I do for you, reforrm?

Hear there's a palindrome as a cacophonous voice
It's a pension for retribution
Nevertheless, you have an integral choice
And now I plead, to reatribute and not provide dilution

Convert

Forget who I once was
Catastrophic news hits the door
I want to be elsewhere, perhaps just over there
Question....Am I just done for?

Dry me out
Pick me up, mend the pieces
Have I always hated my life throughout?
And will I ever learn to take pain and release?

Burn a Catholic candle to help me heal
I am a perpetual mover; so I can never be hurt
Can't help the solitude I feel
I wish I could grasp this life by the balls, and convert

Zealot

So I have no clue how my knuckles have become black and blue
But all the external pain fails to the gnawing aching inside
I've always known you would leave me like the morning's dew
And now I have waisted too many tears on you because it was you I confide

Life is typically known for handing you a shitty hand of cards
Thus, it is your job to primp and prime it to your standards
Now its my soul that lays dormant and is guarded
Because all of reality is backwards

Trust me, it's difficult to battle this zealot in my head
But try not to bring me further down then I already am
I took my life in my hands and merely shred
So please, hold your cynical tongues and cease your condemning

Smoke Reasons Away

I sit and smoke the reasons why
Inhale all the demons
And I exhale all of the gray
I feel though I have taken a beat, and left beaten

So run away, I'm not the one you want
I cry out for you; but your not there
I acted with you, so nonchalant
Now left naked to the bone

So will you kiss my my life away again
And I will never fly away with you
Know I mean nothing because  I choose to maim
I suppose I 'm hard to swallow, and thus you must chew

It's All But a Suggestion

So tell me what's the time
Is it just an excuse to move on?
Does it merely mean you simply love me part of the time
Or will you steal what my worth is in silver and pawn it?

Tell me is there something copacetic with me?
Or did you just want to fix my ruins?
I feel like you should relinquish me; you'll be free
I know you pine for something concrete and proven

Drink at home with the TV on
I now have nothing to talk about
And I use to watch you till I feel asleep at dawn
Now I'm left from you apart

Please Don't Judge Me...Remember What Jesus Told You, HaHa...Truth Hurts

Perhaps you do not comprehend success is rife through my blood
My name is not Jamison to be merely cute or funny
Sure, I have led a scintilla of my adult life in the mud
But , despite all malignancies, the earth reasons good...and expresses it while its sunny

Don't ponder whether I will succeed
No doubt I can, I will, and I will always be fabulous
Despite my flaws, I have no other choice than to exceed
We all have set backs; the difference is I fail to be fatuous (its cool if you have to look that word up; I don't judge)

So make up your confused mind; you either love me or despise me
Despite my lulls; I now am the same Jamie you have always known
I'm exhausted by having to explain myself and plea
So, I give you permission to merely sit back, watch what I take and own, and how I will continue to grow


........PS----This is for all of the judgmental bastards out there

Venture Back

You're swayed by someone else who has suffered
And sure I have been a fool, but it truly isn't as terrible as it seems
So now I find myself in a state that suffers
And because I care too much; you will perpetually be in my dreams

I feel my soul has been ripped open
I understand my past has been catastrophic, nonetheless I thought you would be there
Now I'm left a wreck with emotion
Something I never wanted to expose again; I promised myself no other individual would share

Unfortunately, you crept into my heart
Left broken, busted, and frightful
Now, for sometime or forever we will be apart
So tell me, will you venture back to me, or just be like the rest....be harsh and spiteful?

Isolation

I feel alone in this aftermath of the disease
Caught up in your soothing web of love
I feel as though you've take all of this love and seize
I want to you to get above

Permanency no?
You need to break away from me
Can we together and grow?
I just want you to get on my knees and pray

I suppose I'm just afraid of isolation
Because that's where I've been
As are relation is it a dilation
Just tell me when i can get a win

Destructive People

Are we all self destructive people?
Some choose to hide; others show it on the outside
As humans will we ever be beloved?
Or will depravity come regardless of how much we've tried

I think I have forgotten to love myself
And I wish I could just hide under the sheets
And scantly I have put all of my dreams on the shelf
And relinquish my faith to the streets

Peel away the layers of the onion
See what you may find
Its hard with this eminent disease to function
And I suppose I'm here and must face the daily grind

Burn

I still feel the need to burn
Cut, scar, and mar
I understand this causes you great concern
So question, why don't you leave me astray

Ready.... GO!
I suck at all of life
I think you detest me because I feel so much woe
Trust and believe; I don't think I will ever make a stable wife

I have a tendency to dress all in gray
Please rectify my sullen life
And with you I want to grasp and sway
Please I ask of you, just appreciate me despite all of my inner and outward strife

Clank of my Heels

When you come around....
I know longer feel down
But, do you cringe when my heels make a sound?
And I owe you not to give my quintessential frown

I suppose somewhere I have forgotten to love myself
And my depression let me hear nonsense
Perhaps, I must take pride in oneself
But tell me do I lead you on a chase of suspense?

I call you on the phone, and yet no answer
Fuck you, and your drunkenness too
And sure I have battled bloody cancer
So go find yourself a pew, and screw

I think this is about as angry as I can get
And despite that I feel relatively pleasant
....So now after these words, I suppose you just want to jet
And just implore me that I am on your feudal system as you peasant

Creep into My Door

You have crept into my door
And you have watched me drift further away
I know you think I am stunted and won't go far
But for you I can't betray

I think I did walk with the devil
And then we ventured downtown
You unearthed me as I was a tad disheveled
I just want to lay down with you, and yet not let me down

So, Chester, I say I am peaceful
So take my load for free
I can no longer emulate evil
And thus I must say, fuck you and your decree

So I beg, speak the truth
And promise not
I do pine for who I was at my youth
Thus, smile at my decree; do not be distraught

Unearthed

So I've unearthed my heart to you
And now I have some moldy cheese in my bag
Do you just look at me askew?
Or will you surrender to my black flag?

You bring a smile to my Slavic face
And yet all I do for you is perpetually harm
Tell me if you just want to take my name and erase
I just want you to be you, and disarm

I'm sorry I'm no longer the girl you once knew
Better now or worse, I'm not too sure
But I do want to keep you within a window pane's view
I see your eyes burn into me; which leads me to believe your unsure